解决问题的八字诀【中英对照】

慈法法师 | [投稿]

解决问题的八字诀

夫妻 感情问题

　　夫妻感情问题是这个时代很普遍的一种现象。相互指责、相互怨恨的比较多，处理得不得当或者没有方法，就会有相互伤害的行为发生。这些问题、行为一直困扰着许多家庭。

　　像妻子在怀孕、生孩子期间，丈夫照顾不周，自己又要辛苦地照顾孩子的吃喝拉撒，待妻子有机遇再次走向事业、社交时，一下子感觉社会因缘的清静，家庭太啰嗦这样的反差，就会对家庭、丈夫产生内在的厌恶感。虽然凑合地过，但离家的心理会逐渐成熟起来。

　　而丈夫大多由于工作压力、应酬，身心疲累，又得不到对方充分的爱与支持，外面稍微有一点强缘、有个关爱，就会对家庭、妻子有很多的埋怨不满，很容易有外遇背叛的作为。

　　这些问题若不了解它的发生来源、过程，不了解问题的本质，不了解一切如幻，不了解自己的心怎么运用得当，双方就很难去解决或者突破这些问题的关键口。

那我们怎么去恰当地面对、处理这些问题呢？

　　首先，要了解夫妻之间问题的源头是来自“占有欲”。占有欲是一种单方面、强制性的一种心理特质，一旦对方不能满足或听从自己的要求，就会产生负累及恶效应。表面上看都是认为爱护对方，实际是多以爱的理由去要求对方、控制对方，经长期积累就会产生对抗、厌恶，不愿真诚面对。

　　解决这些问题，还是要回到内心上去观察与反思，过过心，体会这些苦的感知，“己所不欲，勿施于人”。多角度地审视、观察，从智慧、慈悲上观察，从正见上观察，从长远、多生上观察，再去看双方执着的点，再去解决问题，起码说不会出现硬性的伤害。

　　在相互尊重的基础上，根据彼此双方力所能及作为的情况，协商达成一个可执行的约定，然后双方共同去守护这个约定。有任何的矛盾、问题都回到这个约定上去调整，而不是强化某一件事发生的好坏、对错。

　　尊重、协商、约定、守护，这八个字是解决夫妻、子女、单位、社会问题的一个好方法，是一个完整的体系。执行过程中的关键点，就是这八个字作用的完整性与完善化。尊重、协商、约定、守护，这之间是相互支持的、相互补充的运转状态，不可缺少，一旦缺少就会断链子，不相续，作用力就会受到阻隔、终止。

　　举个例子，双方协商达成了一个约定，其中一方在执行中一旦有做不到的地方，另一方就容易拿约定去对峙、埋怨对方，对峙、埋怨显然是违背了尊重。那再次回到尊重上去调整、协商、约定、守护，在尊重心上多忆念佛的尊重一切，许可一切，包容一切的功德，来超越我们自身意识、作为的局限性。

　　在学习、实践这个方法的过程中，深深感到它在生活中对自身、他人起到了莫大的支持。衷心希望推荐、供养给更多的没有方法面对家庭违缘、社会违缘、人情世故违缘的一切有缘，来运用这种方法，能够解决自己在生活中所遇到的烦恼障碍。

【英文版】

The troubles in marital relationship

　　The troubles in marital relationship, such as blaming or complaining at each other, are very common nowadays. The couple is likely to hurt each other once they have failed to tackle these troubles properly or found a right solution. Many families are plagued by such problems and behaviors.

　　For example, during pregnancy or after the birth of a child, the wife had to work hard to look after the baby’s diapers and bottle, while her husband was inconsiderate. When she has a chance to go back to work and the society, she may suddenly find the sharp contrast between the peace and quiet in the society and too many trivialities in the family, thus she may have an aversion to her family and her husband. Although she still manages to live with her family, her idea to leave the family will mature gradually.

　　As for the husband, for the pressure from work and contact with others in society, especially when exhausted both physically and mentally but cannot get enough timely love and support from his wife, he is very likely to have many complaints and dissatisfaction and even fall into infidelity once another woman offers care and love to him.

　　It’s very hard for the couples both to break through and solve such problems if they fail to know where these problems come from and how the things develop, to know that the nature of the problems is illusory, and to know how to properly use their own hearts.

Then how do we face and deal with such problems properly?

　　Firstly, we should understand that all the problems between a couple come from the desire to possess each other. Such desire has the unilateral and coercive psychological qualities. Once your partner cannot satisfy your requirements or listen to your needs, you will feel over-burdened and have a bad reaction. In appearance, a couple both think they love and care about each other, but actually they demand and control their partner in the disguise of love. With the accumulation of the burden and bad reaction after a long time, they will eventually have opposition, aversion, or reluctance to face each other sincerely.

　　To solve these problems, we should go back to our hearts to observe, reflect, think them over, and taste the sufferings. “Do as you would be done by”. We should observe from as many angles as possible, such as from the angle of wisdom and compassion, from the angle of the right view, from the angle of a long term or even multiple lifetime. We then go back to see what we both are attached to and again try to solve these problems, we can at least avoid the terrible hurts.

　　On the basis of mutual respect, the couple both should try as much as they can to negotiate and reach a feasible agreement for both to observe. And any contradiction or problem should be adjusted and solved according to this agreement rather than just insisting on either good or bad and either right or wrong of one particular thing.

　　Respect, negotiation, agreement and observance, the four-word-rule is a good way to solve the marital problems, children problems, work problems and social problems. The four words is a complete system, and the key to applying this rule is its integrity and perfection. Respect, negotiation, agreement and observance, these four steps are mutually supportive and complementary, and each one is indispensable. Therefore, once one step is lost, this system will function ineffectively or even discontinue.

　　One more example, the couple have negotiated and reached an agreement. Once one of them failed to observe the agreement, the other would probably use the agreement to oppose or complain at him (her), which obviously goes against mutual respect. So they should go back to the rule, the four steps in terms of respect, negotiation, agreement and observance to adjust. As for the respect, bear in mind Buddha’s merits of respecting everything, permitting everything and accepting everything, so as to surpass our limited thinking and actions.

　　By learning and practicing this way, we will deeply feel its great support for ourselves and others in everyday life. I sincerely hope that this way could be offered to more related sentient beings who have no idea on how to tackle issues occurred in families, work place and social associations, and hope they can apply it and solve their troubles or obstacles in their lives.

　　文章转自微信公众号：菩提眼

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